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Idk I Have A Problem
8 min read
Phew okay, so I haven't had a great time lately and now it's getting worse during the last few days. I'm confused and don't really know what to do and if I should be concerned or not. Not because of Corona but because of my illness.
For context: Y'all know that I was born with a birth defect called gastroschisis, an unusually extreme form of it.
Due to the illness/disability/after effects - whatever you wanna call it - from it I have literally any gut problem you can imagine, like I'm having diarrhea every day n'stuff like that. That's why me occasionally vomiting isn't a new thing at all and used to happen about every month or so.
Back in 2016 it had gotten extremely bad though - multiple times every day - accompanied by an equally bad heartburn (I don't like to use this term tho since it doesn't describe the feeling I have from it very well - it rather feels like the acid burning my throat, nothing with the chest). Back then it all resulted from a pseudo-ileus which got treated and I briefly got pills for the heartburn. I say briefly because the side effects were ranging from sweaty feet, a runny nose and rash to schizophrenia, coma and death (literally, I am not making this up) because it was the most extreme meds they had and also the only one that showed any signs of effect at all in my case - it was phenomenal. I only got it though because the heartburn was so bad it was at the edge of driving me insane - I was literally in tears, begging the doctors for the best med they had. Wasn't allowed to take it anymore after a few days 'cause I had showed one of the mildest symptoms.
(I'm not sure how I went on after that anymore. It probably stopped because the ileus got treated and I was swallowing tons of the new mild anti-heartburn-meds they gave me. But honestly, 2016 was probably the worst year of my life, both my physical and mental health as well as my personal and school life were in the basement so I don't wanna think about it too much- aside from welcoming my kitties of course :3)
SO ANYWAYS (last paragraph became way too long wtf) in 2019 the heartburn problems began to rise up again in a milder way and from x-rays and body scans I found out that there's a section right under my stomach where the small intestine is extremely wide and then extremely narrowed. This leads up to the stomach filling up way too much/fast and emptying way too slowly, like a funnel if you will. Probably from the 40+ gut surgeries I've gotten throughout my life. It explained the new heartburn problems and that I puked a more often than usual that year. We figured that we had to get doctors to do something about it and they are... still figuring out what they could do about it since they don't wanna do surgery.
Instead they got me medication for the heartburn I think in January of this year, one with a smaller dose of the same main ingredient like the 2016 one and no dangerous side effects (one I had to look up myself btw).
It helped pretty good so I kept taking it (and because the heartburn had gotten so bad that it "knocked me out" over the day almost completely and the pain was already making me cry and refusing to eat). Too bad that one of the side effects is nausea so... well, I ended up puking more often again (about once a week or so) but I was finally able to eat again and was pain-free so it didn't bug me too much, not to mention that I'm used to stuff like that. We figured that we had to leave it this way and wait if the doctors find a solution to the narrowed gut problem first.
In the last two weeks the vomiting has suddenly gotten progressively worse, to the point that I'm now vomiting literally every evening. I don't know why this happened so suddenly. Thought it might've been caused by the meds for some reason because I'm now actually taking them every day around the same time (used to avoid this because of the nausea and tried to go for every second day but it didn't work - if you don't take them every day they stop loosing their effect altogether very suddenly and the agonizing heartburn comes back within hours and takes two days to get rid of again) or maybe it was because I ate too many mushrooms (which are hard to digest) or maybe it was because of the narrowed gut i.e. I drank and/or ate too much without noticing it or maybe it's just because I'm lying and sitting a lot more than usual because of quarantine. I've got no idea.
Aside from the fact that the constant puking is becoming annoying and that I'm already feeling guilty for wasting food every time I eat, I've also lost way too much weight again.
I have to recieve parentral nutrition - liquid nutirents through an implant on my chest - regulary in order not to starve my entire life anyways so don't worry, but now I have to get it every second day thanks to the constant vomiting. Not great because I'm 1. trying to live without it as much as possible because it's slowly causing damage to the blood vessels, 2. every medical "eating session" requires access to the implant of course so it's a big risk for a life-threatening infection every time and 3. it causes the most horrible, disgusting headache ever.
Yeah.
Due to Corona we had to delay the hospital stuff around the narrowed gut and my family doctor has gotten super rude and incompetent over the last 8 months for some reason, so no help there. The thing with my illness is that stuff like this suddenly happening can always either be something super dumb and insignicicant that's easily fixed by myself OR something super dangerous and life-threatening that needs immediate medical fixing by professionals. Too bad that I don't know which one it is in this case.
My parents won't let me touch a doctor or hospital with a ten mile pole during a pandemic without dying so no chance here again- understandable but still kinda frustrating.
The worst that has come out if this whole fiasco is that I can always hear my mom cry at night since this has started and it's breaking my heart. I don't know what to do about it. She jonkingly told me that I shouldn't be too upset about it and that she'd be crying and praying anyways because she always does when there's even the smallest thing wrong with me but that doesn't really comfort me. I kinda feel guilty 'cause I'm the reason she's now so sad every night. Sometimes I've thought about "refusing" to throw up but then I'd lie in bed feeling nauseaus and not being able to sleep all night. (Which I already barely can during the nights I recieve parentral nutrition because you gotta go to the bathroom every 2-3 hours because of the whole liquid getting pumped into your body.)
When it comes to my illness my mom's an expert and very concentrated and serious when there's an emergency but all the times she has almost seen me die in 20 years have made her somewhat paranoid and hysterical to small stuff, especially the case in 2016 I've told y'all about where the vomiting turned out to stem from something extremely dangerous which would've needed medical attention sooner. Now she's switching between me being her "poor strong baby who's suffering from her illness and is needing help" and her "stupid lazy teenager who's making her illness worse by lying around all day", all depending on her mood and if we've had a small argument or not and it's stressing me out. The reason I'm lying around much more is also because of the horrible headaches I get from the parentral nutrition, which has to be every second day now of course, so it's not entirely laziness and I can't go to work yet (I can go in two or three weeks again). (I wanna go to work so bad again...)
Then there's my OCD/germophobia which is keeping me from enjoying hugs, going outside regulary, petting Ygor and Waylon or just touching stuff like my pencils and sitting down on the couch like a normal person while my therapy is getting delayed due to Corona too.
And my stepdad is basically trying to be chill and keep the mood up by telling jokes and talking to the cats all day even though the new virus has really made him paranoid af.
This is so shit.
I can't even get my new Kylo fanvideo done and it's driving me mad for some reason rn.
And also right now it's 5 a.m. and I'm typing this vent instead of sleeping.
Thanks very much for listening (or rather reading)
(And sorry if this was a bit too gross)
Shiny over and out.
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Corona Callout
2 min read
Seriously people, especially my fellow Germans, STAY. AT. HOME. You may not believe it, but this is a serious situation.
And I'm not saying this just because I'm at a higher risk because of my chronic illness. Actually, I'm almost thankful for this illness now because it probably makes my parents be very cautionous when it comes to any medical stuff and cleanliness. They've been the reason I'm still alive for more times than I can count.
Guys, finish your unfinished drawings, re-read that one book series you loved, call your grandparents, dance to your favorite songs, play a board game with your family, make your dog or cat learn new tricks, clean up your art supplies, try out a new art or video program, bake some cookies, binge through Netflix, plan through your next necessary grocery purchase, look up your favorite YouTubers and leave a few nice comments or just text stupid stuff and memes to your friends. There's lots of things you can do at home in today's modern world. It's not going to be like this forever.
I'm sick of those people who call it "overreacting" or "not so bad" or "propaganda" or just go out out of pure braindead stubbornness. Look at what's happening in Italy already: they have to let the potentially weaker people die due to the lack of medical supplies from the flood of infected patients. Use your brain and stick to the rules or you can soon watch grandma suffocate at full consciousness from Corona via livestream at your local overfilled hospital.
Shiny over and out.
Stay healthy!
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Inactivity Info
1 min read
Okay, okay, I know that I promised you so many drawings n´ stuff, but I got bad health problems again recently and therefore don´t feel well enough to post, let alone draw anything. It happened pretty quickly and I´d love to finish the tons of sketches and half-coloured linearts, really, but I feel too weak and honestly not motivated to do so.
Ugh, that sucks. Got so much on my mind, but can´t show you on paper 
(Same with comments and replies)
I´ll try again when I´m better, hopefully still before Christmas.
(Didn´t cancel the plans for a new OC though, I even added two more I´d like to introduce as soon as possible 
)
)I´m so sorry, guys! Hope that you don´t mind!
- Xx Leo / "Shiny"
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Trying To Change Myself
5 min read
Phew... now, I just have to tell somebody about it, that´s why I´m typing this. I don´t want to tell my mum and my next trip to the psychologist is going to be in a month, that´s why I´d like to know what you guys think.
The thing is that... well... some of you may know that I´m kind of a germaphobe. It´s not bad over the day, but after taking a shower in the evening I don´t want to be touched by someone who didn´t wash their hands right before and I even desinfect my pyjama and wear a long shirt over the pyjama top to prevent it from becoming "dirty". It´s even worse when it comes to my bed. I tend to almost freak out if somebody touches my pillow or blanket without being "clean" and nobody is allowed to touch ANYTHING in my bed without my permission.
I have no idea why or when I developed this fear. Though I believe it started about 3 years ago and then it became worse and worse. And before you ask: Due to my illness being treated at home all the time I have got free access to desinfection all the time and I was always told to wash my hands after coming home.
My mum already noticed it a time ago and just became angry at me and already called me a "crazy germaphobe" before I even knew of this phobia. She´s afraid that I might develop a skin disease or cause resistant germs to grow, but doesn´t try to understand me at all - maybe because it just came out of the blue.
I mean... I do understand what she means, but I just have that uncontrollable urge to protect my "clean" zones. As you can imagine it´s pretty hard to keep everything "clean" after taking a shower - including myself. I don´t even want to touch anything in the bathroom which is in fact a bit complicated and it all takes a lot of time, but without doing it I feel like I could go crazy. I feel safe after "cleaning" my clothes, bed and body and feel like I have control over something. Maybe this caused my sad mood (which is probably depression) or maybe the depression caused the phobia, I don´t know. It is both possible as far as I know and I can´t remember if the cleaning urge or the depressive mood came first.
But oddly enough it is only limited to the time after I took a shower and parts of my room - especially the bed. I desinfect the towel before drying myself because somebody has touched it with "unclean" hands before. And when I come to touch anything "unclean" in the evening, I don´t touch my face, hair or anything under the shirt before I´ve washed my hands.
After noticing it my parents just told me to put myself together and I pretty much made fun of me, but also asked me why I am suddenly like that. I denied everything because I didn´t want to tell anybody. Also because I´m scared that I might get forced to not clean anything at all as a part of a therapy. And since I´ve already cut myself once I´m scared that I might even be sent to a mental hospital by a doctor or a psychologist.
But the thing is that I don´t even see myself as a crazy person. To me it´s all rational. The "cleaning" is necessary and makes a difference to me. But it also limits my activities in the evening and I´d like to stop, but I struggle to do so.
As for today I´ve been a bit lazy and just realized that I wouldn´t have enough time to do my daily "cleaning ritual". So I´ve been making a huge step and made my bed without desinfecting and cleaning everything. I´m planning to resist the "cleaning urge" after taking a shower later. To be honest I´m scared of it and I feel so small and like I´m loosing control over everything. Really, I could cry right now. And I have no fucking idea why. Why am I feeling like that?!
*Sigh*... Now that was it. I hope that I didn´t loose any of my watchers after this, but I just needed to tell somebody. It´s a huge step to suddenly change myself, but I know that tons of people will become incredibly angry someday if I keep being germaphobic. Just hope that it´ll work. And don´t worry, I´m going to tell my psychologist during the next session- (And really, I´m only in therapy because of permanent sudden sadness-attacks, that´s all.)
Sorry for this weird journal, guys.
There´s going to be more art this week btw
UPDATE: Oh well, turns out that my mum does understand me. She was just angry that I kept denying it all. Now she´s proud of me that I´m trying to treat myself.
The thing is that... well... some of you may know that I´m kind of a germaphobe. It´s not bad over the day, but after taking a shower in the evening I don´t want to be touched by someone who didn´t wash their hands right before and I even desinfect my pyjama and wear a long shirt over the pyjama top to prevent it from becoming "dirty". It´s even worse when it comes to my bed. I tend to almost freak out if somebody touches my pillow or blanket without being "clean" and nobody is allowed to touch ANYTHING in my bed without my permission.
I have no idea why or when I developed this fear. Though I believe it started about 3 years ago and then it became worse and worse. And before you ask: Due to my illness being treated at home all the time I have got free access to desinfection all the time and I was always told to wash my hands after coming home.
My mum already noticed it a time ago and just became angry at me and already called me a "crazy germaphobe" before I even knew of this phobia. She´s afraid that I might develop a skin disease or cause resistant germs to grow, but doesn´t try to understand me at all - maybe because it just came out of the blue.
I mean... I do understand what she means, but I just have that uncontrollable urge to protect my "clean" zones. As you can imagine it´s pretty hard to keep everything "clean" after taking a shower - including myself. I don´t even want to touch anything in the bathroom which is in fact a bit complicated and it all takes a lot of time, but without doing it I feel like I could go crazy. I feel safe after "cleaning" my clothes, bed and body and feel like I have control over something. Maybe this caused my sad mood (which is probably depression) or maybe the depression caused the phobia, I don´t know. It is both possible as far as I know and I can´t remember if the cleaning urge or the depressive mood came first.
But oddly enough it is only limited to the time after I took a shower and parts of my room - especially the bed. I desinfect the towel before drying myself because somebody has touched it with "unclean" hands before. And when I come to touch anything "unclean" in the evening, I don´t touch my face, hair or anything under the shirt before I´ve washed my hands.
After noticing it my parents just told me to put myself together and I pretty much made fun of me, but also asked me why I am suddenly like that. I denied everything because I didn´t want to tell anybody. Also because I´m scared that I might get forced to not clean anything at all as a part of a therapy. And since I´ve already cut myself once I´m scared that I might even be sent to a mental hospital by a doctor or a psychologist.
But the thing is that I don´t even see myself as a crazy person. To me it´s all rational. The "cleaning" is necessary and makes a difference to me. But it also limits my activities in the evening and I´d like to stop, but I struggle to do so.
As for today I´ve been a bit lazy and just realized that I wouldn´t have enough time to do my daily "cleaning ritual". So I´ve been making a huge step and made my bed without desinfecting and cleaning everything. I´m planning to resist the "cleaning urge" after taking a shower later. To be honest I´m scared of it and I feel so small and like I´m loosing control over everything. Really, I could cry right now. And I have no fucking idea why. Why am I feeling like that?!
*Sigh*... Now that was it. I hope that I didn´t loose any of my watchers after this, but I just needed to tell somebody. It´s a huge step to suddenly change myself, but I know that tons of people will become incredibly angry someday if I keep being germaphobic. Just hope that it´ll work. And don´t worry, I´m going to tell my psychologist during the next session- (And really, I´m only in therapy because of permanent sudden sadness-attacks, that´s all.)
Sorry for this weird journal, guys.
There´s going to be more art this week btw
UPDATE: Oh well, turns out that my mum does understand me. She was just angry that I kept denying it all. Now she´s proud of me that I´m trying to treat myself.
Shiny over and out.
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The Bedroom Window | Demons | Fanvideo
1 min read
Here´s the video from my last status update! I like how it turned out, although the last few clips look a bit weird because they were rly hard to edit because the program crashed SO MANY TIMES that I almost didn´t finish it at all, but I loved the beginning so much that I wanted to see a whole video and therefore kept trying - and it was definitely worth it! I am so proud! (But srsly, this thing KILLED me).
Ah well... the video is obviously mainly focused on Chris Henderson because I thought the lines fit him so well (and maybe bcuz I have a crush on the actor buuut whatever
)(I´m making way too much music videos with this movie...)
Hope you like it! :3
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